Whenever I’m high, I’m actually proud of myself if I get myself to choose smoking a cigarette over eating. They’re both more fun to do when you get high. I don’t even like cigarettes at all,when I’m sober, but drunk or high or whatever, they’re often great. Then again sometimes drunk, or high or whatever they still suck, it’s kinda weird. Anyway, so I realize why cigarettes help some people lose weight. When you stand up, you think, “Hmm I could smoke a cigarette, or I could eat something. If I eat something, I’m not gonna want the cigarette (“Cause you can’t just go from eating something that tastes good to smoking something that tastes bad.”), but I could have the cigarette and then eat, or maybe it’ll lower my appetite, and maybe I won’t even eat anything tonight.” (“You totally will. You always do.”)
But nevertheless, the cigarette smoking time is a very nice time when I actually go by myself, outside in the back, and sit with myself and my own thoughts – I never bring my phone or iPod – for about five minutes. I usually get this five minutes once or twice a month. I try to meditate, but that $75 meditation mat has been sitting on the floor of my room for about three weeks now and I haven’t even sat on it one single time. Not even just to test it out. I did write meditation into my weekly schedule – Thursday nights – the other day. So, we’ll see how that goes. Damnit, I’m off to have my cigarette.
Ah, that moment when you start having all these great ideas out there that you just have to come in and write down, but then there’s still some cigarette left that you just talked about enjoying so much, but then again, it’s your passion, this writing down of all the little ideas in your head that you think are so brilliant, so you stub out the other 2/5ths of the cigarette and you come back inside and then type this and then you hurry off to your idea poster on your wall.
I was just having one of those moments that felt momentous. I “made the decision” (whatever that even means) to not eat anything tonight. If I successfully do this, I will really be changing my current pattern and maybe getting myself toward a healthier relationship with food and reasons for eating. I felt like this was like a first moment in the breaking of an OCD pattern or those times when I actually resisted masturbating (when I was a kid and it was a sin, that is) when I really really wanted to. (“Only eat when you’re hungry, Arielle, it’s so simple. Everybody else does it.”) That’s not even really true. (“Okay, but we’re not gonna be like those people. You’re getting a little pudgy there, boss.”). Okay fine, which is why I’m not going to eat anything more tonight. (“Yeah. You had a lunch-sized breakfast and a mega-sized dinner with a dessert that would’ve made two or even three people feel sick, so you’re probably fine. Though, let’s see, you did burn off 600 calories, supposedly, on the elliptical today, and according to our current little system, which is most certainly not Weight Watchers but rather a system I created for myself, thank you very much, that does technically mean you have two points left you could use today. But only use them if you’re actually hungry.”) I agree, I agree, but I think I actually kind of am hungry right now. I’m just gonna go look around in the fridge and see what does or doesn’t strike my interest. Maybe nothing will, who knows!
I ended up probably eating slightly over 2 pts, but then again it’s a rounding system, and I’m winding it down to two. So I’ve basically succeeded. As long as I don’t eat anything else tonight, and I don’t even really want to leave my room again tonight. Though I guess I need to take my contacts out and brush my teeth, but other than that, no.
So early in the evening I told one of my roommates that the chocolates I put out on the table he should feel free to eat ’cause the more he eats the less I will. He asked said something about the possibility that flies or whatever had gotten bites out of the chocolates already. I was like, “Oh, dude, that doesn’t matter. I just blow on the top of food that’s been out that you can’t wash. It’s fine.”
Within the hour, I had eaten them all.