Author Archives:

Smoking for Weight Loss?

Posted on by Arielle

Whenever I’m high, I’m actually proud of myself if I get myself to choose smoking a cigarette over eating. They’re both more fun to do when you get high. I don’t even like cigarettes at all,when I’m sober, but drunk or high or whatever, they’re often great. Then again sometimes drunk, or high or whatever they still suck, it’s kinda weird. Anyway, so I realize why cigarettes help some people lose weight. When you stand up, you think, “Hmm I could smoke a cigarette, or I could eat something. If I eat something, I’m not gonna want the cigarette (“Cause you can’t just go from eating something that tastes good to smoking something that tastes bad.”), but I could have the cigarette and then eat, or maybe it’ll lower my appetite, and maybe I won’t even eat anything tonight.” (“You totally will. You always do.”)

But nevertheless, the cigarette smoking time is a very nice time when I actually go by myself, outside in the back, and sit with myself and my own thoughts – I never bring my phone or iPod – for about five minutes. I usually get this five minutes once or twice a month. I try to meditate, but that $75 meditation mat has been sitting on the floor of my room for about three weeks now and I haven’t even sat on it one single time. Not even just to test it out. I did write meditation into my weekly schedule – Thursday nights – the other day. So, we’ll see how that goes. Damnit, I’m off to have my cigarette.

Ah, that moment when you start having all these great ideas out there that you just have to come in and write down, but then there’s still some cigarette left that you just talked about enjoying so much, but then again, it’s your passion, this writing down of all the little ideas in your head that you think are so brilliant, so you stub out the other 2/5ths of the cigarette and you come back inside and then type this and then you hurry off to your idea poster on your wall.

I was just having one of those moments that felt momentous. I “made the decision” (whatever that even means) to not eat anything tonight. If I successfully do this, I will really be changing my current pattern and maybe getting myself toward a healthier relationship with food and reasons for eating. I felt like this was like a first moment in the breaking of an OCD pattern or those times when I actually resisted masturbating (when I was a kid and it was a sin, that is) when I really really wanted to. (“Only eat when you’re hungry, Arielle, it’s so simple. Everybody else does it.”) That’s not even really true. (“Okay, but we’re not gonna be like those people. You’re getting a little pudgy there, boss.”). Okay fine, which is why I’m not going to eat anything more tonight. (“Yeah. You had a lunch-sized breakfast and a mega-sized dinner with a dessert that would’ve made two or even three people feel sick, so you’re probably fine. Though, let’s see, you did burn off 600 calories, supposedly, on the elliptical today, and according to our current little system, which is most certainly not Weight Watchers but rather a system I created for myself, thank you very much, that does technically mean you have two points left you could use today. But only use them if you’re actually hungry.”) I agree, I agree, but I think I actually kind of am hungry right now. I’m just gonna go look around in the fridge and see what does or doesn’t strike my interest. Maybe nothing will, who knows!

I ended up probably eating slightly over 2 pts, but then again it’s a rounding system, and I’m winding it down to two. So I’ve basically succeeded. As long as I don’t eat anything else tonight, and I don’t even really want to leave my room again tonight. Though I guess I need to take my contacts out and brush my teeth, but other than that, no.

So early in the evening I told one of my roommates that the chocolates I put out on the table he should feel free to eat ’cause the more he eats the less I will. He asked said something about the possibility that flies or whatever had gotten bites out of the chocolates already. I was like, “Oh, dude, that doesn’t matter. I just blow on the top of food that’s been out that you can’t wash. It’s fine.”

Within the hour, I had eaten them all.

Uh, yeah, about that

Posted on by Arielle

Never mind.  I’m really trying to get away from plans and rules in general, renewing my spirit of getting in touch with my body and its real appetites.  I think I can only handle small rules as a time.  I’m doing the latter half of February without meat, though I’ve cheated a few times that could hardly be helped.  So I’ve changed it to not buying any meat (at the store or restaurants) for the rest of February, or actually until I try all the vegetarian stuff at work, at Canto, and try at least 1 vegetarian restaurant.

I’ve also decided to give up all nut butters (including sunflower seed butter, Trader Joe’s cocoa almond butter, Nutella, and Trader Joe’s amazing cookie butter) for Lent.  I’m not Catholic of course, I just think it’s a good time to try to give something up because there’s the support of a bunch of people giving something up around you.  Plus, nut butters are an unnatural abomination, a distinct sin.  Consequently I love them very much, but the calories add up too damn quickly, way faster than your body can give you feedback about its fullness.  Your brain and mouth are wired to want to shove it in, and your body won’t know how to tell you to stop for at least twenty minutes, in which time you could pound down 1000 calories or more without even feeling that bad.  Giving them up will also mean that for Easter I can buy myself a special treat that I will appreciate all the more.

I’ve gotten back into nightlife, having a social life and whatnot, which means I’ve had to relearn how to do that right.  From now on, I will not drink heavily more than one night in a row (any second day drinking can’t exceed two drinks).  It inevitably leads to not only way too many calories but also horrible indigestion.

I’m trying to be less compulsive at work with the eating, so I will no longer go into the break room before my shift, where I inevitably eat whatever’s around like a wild animal.  I’m also going to take my lunch breaks across the street with a protein bar.  Don’t worry, I’m not trying to go anorexic.  I’ll still undoubtedly eat a bunch of whatever we’re sampling, and I’ll still go into the break room for coffee and water enough to graze on whatever’s back there.  What I won’t be doing is organizing my life around making sure I get to eat everything around, won’t be spending a bunch of my mental time and energy deciding what to buy to maximize the potential of whatever free food is around.  No no no, just a protein bar and some actual time to read on my lunch break.

My workouts now look like this:

Monday: Long run (just got up to 11 miles (yes, in a row, bitches!), next week 12, etc.)

Tuesday: Yoga or tennis on a good day, when it’s warmer basketball will be an option, really any sport will do

Wednesday: Short, faster run (currently 4 miles)

Thursday: Light morning yoga before work (this is my earlier work day when I don’t have as much time for working out)

Friday: Slightly less short, fast run (currently 6 miles)

Saturday: Either the Turbo Kick Boxing Class, Yogalates, or Zumba Class at my gym

Sunday: Either the 10:30 Yoga Class or strength training of some sport

January, Back from Vacation

Posted on by Arielle

I’ve decided to make January no dairy, fried foods or beer month.  I’ve also decided to start with a half marathon (May 27th) instead of pushing myself too hard for the full marathon in April (not to mention having to figure out how to raise the money to run it).

I also looked up the Lean Gains dietary system that a co-worker mentioned to me.  Basically it just means I’ll only eat between 1 PM and 11 PM every day.  Apparently all the stuff I’ve read about needing to eat first thing in the morning in order to kick start my metabolism was bull shit.  According the the Lean Gains guy,

“Breakfast skippers have dysregulated eating habits and show a higher disregard for health. People who skip breakfast are also more likely to be dieting, thus by default they are also likely to be heavier than non-dieters. Keep in mind that most people who resort to breakfast skipping are not the type that sit around and read about nutrition. They are like most people dieting in a haphazard manner. The type to go on a 800 calorie-crash diet and then rebound, gaining all the weight (and then some) back…

First of all, we have the large scale epidemiological studies showing an association with breakfast skipping and higher body weights in the population. One researcher from that study, commenting on the association with breakfast skipping or food choices for breakfast, said:

“These groups appear to represent people ‘on the run,’ eating only candy or soda, or grabbing a glass of milk or a piece of cheese. Their higher BMI would appear to support the notion that ‘dysregulated’ eating patterns are associated with obesity, instead of or in addition to total energy intake per se.”

This whole FAQ section on dieting myths has me convinced.

I’ll go into more detail about what I’m eating in my next post.  I’ll probably also start weighing myself once per week as it’s time to start dropping weight and feeling a sense of accomplished.  Despite the name of this blog, I won’t be weighing myself first thing in the morning, naked, after peeing, because my scale is broken.  Instead, I’ll go ahead and weigh myself in my workout clothes and tennis shoes after my strength training or running sessions.

 

Running and Plans

Posted on by Arielle

I’ve decided to start training for a marathon.  I’ve read multiple times that interval running is much better for one’s metabolism than distance running, but I’ve finally decided to stop caring because I really enjoy distance running, whereas my OCD is really pestered by always changing between running and walking, always having to spend so much attention on numbers, deciding on numbers, waiting for numbers.  I started training about three weeks ago at just 2 miles in a row, and today I’m up to 6 miles.  I’m still eating way too much, particularly at work, particularly (I hope) because of the holidays and the focus on ham and chocolate and creamy treats.  I’m getting better at home and even at restaurants, but the overabundance of food at work continues to be problematic for me.

I want to harness the power of a certain phenomenon I’ve noticed in myself.  No part of me is tempted to eat milk chocolate.  If, at work, a container of dark chocolate peanut butter cups gets opened, I totally feel like I need to have at least one.  If a milk chocolate peanut butter cup container gets opened, it has no power over me at all.  I’m not going to go into all of the reasons my brain works this except to say that it’s because my brain has been trained to recognize that milk chocolate is neither good for me nor culinarily desirable.  I don’t feel deprived if I deny myself milk chocolate.  Therefore, it’s not me being “on a diet,” which I’ve found leads to my compulsion to binge to ridiculous extremes when I’m not “on diet days.”

Thus, I want to figure out how to get myself to feel this way about lots of silly treats and about overeating in general.  I want to just not want to.  You might think that the fact that overeating or eating junk makes me feel like crap, makes me gain weight despite all of the time and energy I spend in the gym, not to mention the money and time I spend on healthful food, would make me indisposed toward overeating crap, but alas, that doesn’t seem to be the way my mind is handling things, even after a couple months now of not dieting.

And as I’ve said before, I kind of like dieting in a sense, because I really enjoy rules and structure.  They limit choices in a world that is so endlessly open to infinite possibilities, all of which I’m inclined to want to explore fully.  A narrowing of options makes life’s choices much easier.  Thus, once I get back from my holiday vacation in Texas, I’ve decided to impose upon myself my own limitations, for fun, for the options they open by way of closing others.

In January I will go vegetarian.

February – gluten free

March – kosher

April – nut free

May – vegan

June – soy free

I may change the order.  If I have to be conscious of what I’m eating, it’ll help me think twice before compulsively shoveling food down my gullet.  I’ll wind up trying new things at work I haven’t gotten around to, becoming more conscious of what products contain the various allergens or animal products, and I’ll be ordering differently at restaurants, which should be interesting.  I was going to say that I’d still have one cheat meal each week, but now I’ve decided I’m going to do it all the way.  I think it’ll be interesting to see how life is for those who live those ways all the time (whether due to allergy, religion, moral reasons, etc.).  Also, I think it’ll be fun for my food blog, so there.

By the way, I don’t weigh myself anymore, but  I did get weighed at the doctor the other day, and if I subtract the amount for clothes and water down to what I know would be my naked, after peeing weight, I’d be right at 150.  It’s not what I want, but I’m okay.  I’m not going to backslide into unhealthful dieting practices.  I’m going to continue in the hard work of healing my relationship with food and with my body.  I think I’m doing the right thing.

Throwing Away Food

Posted on by Arielle

Ugh, I’ve been gaining weight.  I’m not weighing in – I can see it clearly, feel it clearly, and my clothes aren’t fitting as well.  I’m still hoping that things are going to even out and then tip the other way.  I really like not counting calories or having rules and restrictive timelines, and I don’t want to give this freedom up.  I am, however, trying to implement healthful changes.  I have to learn some way to deal with all of the free food (especially sugary, fattening treats) at work.

A big issue with my neuroses about food is that I can’t stand waste.  My mother drove this into my brain.  We couldn’t throw anything away (moldy cheese was trimmed and replaced, sour milk was frozen and used for soups later, etc. which aren’t bad things necessarily, I’m just painting a picture), and we had to finish our plates, not just if we wanted dessert, but in general, in order to leave the table.  As I’ve become, providing food for myself, I’ve become more like my mother than I ever dreamed I would, hating food to be wasted at all.  But my getting fatter so that less food is thrown away doesn’t actually help any Ethiopians.  If I really want to help, I should donate money to Feed the Children, not become another obese American.

One of the most difficult things for me is that at my work, while we donate a ton of food to local charities, so much food is out of necessity still wasted, and it pains my soul.  I neurotically keep track of all the food everywhere and what’s going on with it.  Sometimes I eat things because I want to try everything, but other times it becomes obsessive and insane the way I have to finish things instead of just throwing them out, especially since I’m usually the one who cleans for the night, so it’s up to me to trash things.  I also prepare and hand out samples every day, so I’m beset with the temptation to eat every other one.  Even if I resist that urge 90% of the time, I still almost always eat too much.  One thing I’m doing now is only bringing one 3000 mg Lactaid pill with me every day and leaving it in my backpack in case of necessity instead of keeping it in my pocket as has been my habit.  This will make me think twice or thrice at least for dairy-containing foodstuffs.

So – and I feel shitty about my first world problems, but it’s the life I live in – I’ve just decided to put myself in a behavioral therapy program where I have to throw away at least a bite of most everything I eat.  I make an exception for health foods such as salads, bars and smoothies.  If we’re talking restaurants-sized salads, then I’d need to throw some of those out too.  When it comes to restaurant food at all, I’ve really got to not eat that all.  If circumstances allow that I can take some of the food home for another meal, then that’s fine.  If not, I’ve got to leave some of it.  I’m constantly eating beyond (often way beyond) the point of satisfaction, clear into stuffed.  I realize that much of the time I’m eating out of compulsion, I want the food to be eaten, more than I actually enjoy eating it, after I reach the satisfaction point.

I’ve definitely gotten better about not eating horrendously ridiculous amounts of food, but I’m still regularly eating a few hundred too many calories.  I really hope that some sensible changes can put me on a healthful, non-neurotic path toward being fit and healthy.

I’ve also decided that in addition to 3 days each week of strength training, on 3 other days of the week I will train for a marathon.  I’ve read all these studies about how, instead of long running periods, I should do interval training for better caloric burn over the next 48 hours, but the thing is, I really like running.  I love the runner’s highs that come from long distance running, so fuck it, I’m gonna do what I like.  I started this two weeks ago at just two miles in a row.  As of yesterday, I did 3.6 miles in a row.  Anyway, when do you ever meet fat marathon runners?  Exactly, so maybe my body will learn it would like to be trim, considering the amounts it’s going to be forced to run.

“If your needs aren’t being met, drop some of your needs.” – George Carlin

Posted on by Arielle

I’ve been putting off updating this blog for weeks, hoping I could finally get my diet plan back on track.  I haven’t even weighed myself since I got back from my Toronto trip yesterday, and I don’t think I’m going to.  I don’t even anticipate that it would be that bad, I don’t look or feel bad or fatter than when I left.  I just know the numbers can have such an effect on my psychology, and I haven’t been sure I want to go there.  People tell you not to weigh in, at least not every day, but then I’ve read about studies that those who do weigh in daily lose more weight (though I’d guess those are correlations being reported and not controlled studies, and the flaw there is obvious).

When I tell people about my dieting, I inevitably get the response, “WHY?!?! You crazy girl, eat a sandwich,” etc.  And it’s kind of flattering but frustrating to try to explain to these people and then I’m afraid that their flattery is enabling me to indulge when I shouldn’t, with their voices in my ear telling me I’m fine, when I know I’m not, that I’m too fat.  They don’t see me naked, I tell them, they don’t know what my clothes are hiding.

But here’s the thing.  Lately, when I look at myself naked in the full length mirror (a recent addition to my bedroom I’d recommend to everyone, as well as room enough in your room to dance (and hardwoord floors (and slippy socks))), I’ve been remarking to myself that I don’t actually look that bad.

When I look bad is when I put on certain clothes.  I have this Shane-on-The-L-Word ideal for myself of what kind of body I want to have, and there are times in my life when I’ve gotten my body much closer to that than I am now.  Though even when I weighed 130, I was still not happy with my body and wanted to lose at least five more pounds.  I tell people about how my body stores almost all of its fat in my stomach, so I just can’t afford to have any excess fat, any body fat, really.

I remember when I took my first art class in college and looked, really looked at French paintings of females nudes

a voice crept into my mind, “Arielle, that’s what you look like, you know.  Yes, there are jackasses for whom these bodies are now “fat.”  You have a good deal of French heritage, maybe your body is one kind of body, and maybe that’s okay.”

I’ve told that voice to shut up for 6 years.  I’ve told everyone who’s told me I look good to them to shut up for years.  I’ve hated my body almost every day of my life, on some level I’ve hated it every single day.

When I don’t like my body though, is really mostly when I try to wear certain clothes that aren’t flattering, often because I want to wear clothes for a different type of body than my own.

I think a fundamental piece of my hatred of my body is that it is a woman’s body.  Even though stomach fat storage is more common in males, there are lots of curves and roundnesses to my body that are very feminine, and I’ve been hating them, have been so uncomfortable with the femininity of my body, that the only way to rid myself of it was, again, to get rid of basically all of my body fat (clearly an unattainable goal anyway).  There’s definitely always been a big part of me that’s just not comfortable as a woman, and so I think I’ve had what could qualify as body dysmorphia, not because I’ve been seeing something in the mirror that’s way off reality, but because my expectations for my body have been impossible.

I will never be this:

Or even this:

That’s just not my body type.  I am a woman, as strange as that is to me in a way.  Interestingly, I had a menstrual cycle last week for the first time unaided by hormone pills, in 5 years.  This strikes me as a good thing.

Well, in line with what seems to be the project of my 25th year in this life of ridding myself of neuroses and self-hatred, I decided a few minutes ago to stop hating my body, start accepting it, and just start buying and wearing clothes that do flatter my body type.

I feel wonderful.  There are a handful of times in my life when I’ve felt this freed, this happy, this right.  This is right up there with, “Oh my god, I don’t believe in Mormonism.  The world is now an open, beautiful place, newly full of peace and wonder and endless possibility that stems from this paradigm shift.”